my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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