I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Randomize