Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Randomize
