Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
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