Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
