I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize