I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Randomize
