i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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