While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize
