I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
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