He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
