My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
