my soul wont recognize me after tonight
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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