Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
