I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
