A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
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