the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Randomize
