According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Randomize
