I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
