i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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