Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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