Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
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