I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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