My room smells like vodka and shame
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
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