In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
