You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
