If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
