It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
