Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
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