i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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