Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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