Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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