i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
