I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
It's just like the Real World with babies
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
