I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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