i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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