I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
