There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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