so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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