He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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