just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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