the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
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