I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
two words...techno handjob
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
