Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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