Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
