My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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