Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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