connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
