gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Randomize
