I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize