I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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