My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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