Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
There are leaves in my underwear?
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
