I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
