fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I met the friendliest cop last night
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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