Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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