Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
