Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I'm sobbing to NWA
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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