So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
