I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
