i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
