this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
