There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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