i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
