I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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