Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
