I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
