How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Randomize
